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This is not FUN :(

Wanting to be positive and trying to stay positive are two different things. Let me start out by saying that I am a half full glass of water type of girl and I was not always like that. So people can change or at least have different outlooks on life at different stages of their life. Right now I wake up and want to be me, yes the old me and that was a happy go lucky type of gal or least I thought .  Right now I am struggling just to do basic tasks. Waking up sounds pretty easy, but I struggle because now every f'ing pain that I feel or the bad sleep that I have,  I question everything.  For example, night sweats again, is it the cancer coming back or why is my back hurting like it did before?  It leaves me nervous and then my thought process goes right down the drain. Trust me I am still in denial of what I went through and it feels like a dream that I was asleep and it was a bad nightmare that I had and now I am in the shower and wiping away all the negativity and praying at the same time for God to heal me and keep me feeling good.  Then I am good and my day starts and I am that happy go lucky girl till right after lunch and all I want to do is take a power nap and be done with the day. Is that possible?  I wish, but I only have 2 hours before the boys come home from school and it is time to be a mom, snack, homework and yes breaking them up from fighting. It sounds like nothing, but man it is tons of work to get all that done in a 2 hour window before it's time for their dad to pick them up if it is his day. See just typing this and I am already exhausted.  It is not me making excuses or feeling bad for myself, because after this I will force myself to go walk and try to get some exercise, because all the research that I have done says that will help with my tiredness. So let us see and I will get back to you. I Hope everyone has an amazing day and the next post will be about my chemo brain and how forgetful I am.  It can be scary sometimes. Stay tuned!

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