Welcome Home as they say when someone goes into hiding and then finally resurfaces. A lot has happened and I am not even sure where to begin......My last post was talking about my remission and then I find out that I am not in remission, but all is okay just not clear, but I will live a long life till I have a flare up and might need treatment again....whatever that means. So my lesson there is that this is my life and I will take control and do as I please. Stay tuned and see what happens with that as I get ready to go for my next PET scan in a few weeks!
The new year began and it has not stopped, it has been one thing after another. The first was the death of my grandfather who has been suffering for the last year so the death was more of a blessing since now he is in a better place. He was a great man and taught me many things that I use in my life today. The next blow was my first boyfriend of 7 years who passed away from a motorcycle accident and that was a shock to the system. We weren't in contact all the time but we would check in with each other a few times a year and catch up. The weirdest thing is that we had just texted each other and we were supposed to meet up and then a week later he is no longer here.
Life can change in an instant and man do I mean an instant. The life altering moment for me was the next incident that occurred literally 3 weeks later and that was the sudden passing of my mother from a car accident. To this day I still don't get it and I guess I may still be in some sort of denial.
When I received my cancer diagnosis my body went into a lock down state and just became numb and I was told what was going to take place and I just did it and the whole time I was like okay this is the plan of action and I am going to be fine and then life will start over. My mother was there the whole time for me from every doctor appointment to every painful moment that I had to endure. I finished treatment June 10, 2016 and the following months had been hell for me as you can see in the previous blog posts and now the new year was starting and I was finally starting to feel better and 3 months later I get the worse news of my life and no one gives you a plan of action and no one even knows what to say and now there is no one to help me through the most pain I have ever felt. People are here and I do reach out, but the loss of my mom, my best friend, and the greatest person that I have known is gone and I struggle everyday to find the joy or the purpose to function.
She was my everything and no one can replace that. The thing I am going to say that may sound strange but here it goes: I am dealing with the greatest loss of my life, but at the same time I am at peace knowing that she is in Heaven with my brother and her father and all the other family members that had passed over the years and it brings me a sense of relief that she is in a better place. One day I dream of joining her and being united and sitting and catching up of all the things that had been missed. That is my faith talking and that is what keeps me getting up in the morning and doing what I need to, to get through the day and now when myself gets out of faith then all hell breaks loose and I am sad, angry, and just miserable.
What a catch 22, its amazing on what can change your thoughts. For example, the other day my son graduated from the 5th grade. I was there by myself and I am looking around at all the families and grandmothers and tears were filling my eyes and I was so mad that my mom couldn't be there to see Alex walk the stage and get his moving up certificate and to hug him afterwards. Its moments like that that feels a knife had just been stabbed into your heart and then I breathe and try to pull myself together and then realize that I need to be here, in the moment for my children and then I find the inner strength and get it together.
Life has changed for me not only once but twice in a matter of 2 years and I was going to designate this blog for life after cancer, but my new mission is to post about life lessons and that everyday is a gift and it is the choices that we make that gets us to where we are going and the journey that we will have.
PS - My mom was my editor and now I am writing this with no proof reader so be kind if I have run sentences or not properly formed sentences. I am writing straight from the heart and mistakes are allowed in my book of life! Enjoy my journey and I hope that I may bring a smile to your face.